apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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