last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
