What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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