We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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