dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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