the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize