good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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