Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
