fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
