Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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