He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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