I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
