I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
