Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
We named our party play list daddy issues
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
