1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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