I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
