I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
