Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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