So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
