I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
