im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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