She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize