Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
