i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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