just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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