he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
The air taste purple.
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