I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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