Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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