The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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