happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
There's even glitter on my cock...
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