you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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