I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
