my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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