we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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