hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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