Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
