I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
