you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
