Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
