Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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