imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize