booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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