My liver just broke up with me...
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
