I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Randomize
