if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
He passed out mid-signature
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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