my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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