don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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