I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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