I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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