She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
