He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
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