im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
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