ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
