A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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