DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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