I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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