This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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