She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
