got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
