Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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