I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize