Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
